BREAKING NEWS: Vintage Wine Bar Announces New Measles Vaccine, Quinquina

American medical researcher Dr. Matthew Sanders of Vintage Wine Bar announced at a press conference this morning that he has successfully tested a new vaccine against measles, an archaic and entirely preventable viral infection that’s nonetheless reared its head in recent months. “I call the new vaccine Quinquina,” declared Sanders. “Admittedly, the vaccine isn’t new and I didn’t come up with the name for it, nor did I actually make it,” he said. “But it’s freaking delicious.”

Quniquina, an aromatized wine, is a variety of apéritif wine. Quinquinas typically contain cinchona bark, which provides quinine. Quinine was once used in treating malaria. Sanders saw an opportunity to use a centuries-old method to treat one disease as a solution to the measles outbreak, which we all can agree shouldn’t even be happening.

“My new vaccine tastes really good,” said Sanders, adding, “I’m vaccinating myself right now.” It was unclear how many vaccinations Sanders had ingested before the press conference, but he definitely did not look like someone suffering from measles. He later promised that Quinquinas would eventually eradicate measles and that everyone would celebrate him as the greatest doctor-benefactor of our time.

“Jonas Salk was bush league,” he asserted at one point. The rest of the press conference was spent discussing where he wanted to go to lunch with everybody.

“Does Thai sound good to you guys?” he asked the crowd of reporters. “I could go for Chinese too.” The new vaccine will debut this Wednesday at 4 PM at Vintage Wine Bar.